


What We Lose

by Lidsworth



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hide just being a good friend, Mpreg, Poor Kaneki, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Torture, flash backs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mental scars weren't the only things that Kaneki carried after his traumatic ordeal with Jason. Non con, mpreg.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the Jason arc, it was simply amazing, and that's when we all got to see Kaneki's true self. But it was also really, really sad, in fact, the entire manga is just depressing. But I love it, and I hope you love this story. I haven't seen an mpreg Tokyo Ghoul story yet, so I figured, "Hey, why not?"   
> Anyway, like always, i'm my own Beta, so there may be mistakes.   
> Tell me what you think!

This whole ordeal had cost Kaneki more than he ever would have bargained for. Unfortunately, it began with the absence of his humanity, and his eventual erosion of his sanity. Often times he found himself wondering which he would rather have back.

His humanity? What good would it do, though? One who was as insane as Kaneki, human or ghoul, to be tossed into society would only be shunned, would they not? Humanity wasn't a one way acceptance.

His sanity? Live as a ghoul, feed off of the living, yet be aware and conscience of the cruel acts being committed? Then again, a ghoul never thought of his feeding habits as “cruel”, did they?”

Prior to Jason, he eventually grew a sort of acceptance regarding who or what he was. Truth is, he wasn't entirely sure of himself, not his species or anything of the sort, but his ignorance kept him safe somewhat.

Then he was taken by the Agori and tortured like an animal.

_That_ ordeal had cost him one more thing, one more precious valuable thing that many took for granted, just as they happened to take both their sanity and humanity for granted. Jason had humiliated him more than he ever could have imagined. 

He'd taken his virginity.

Because the pain was all the same to begin with, Kaneki hadn't registered what was happening him until hours later, with his pants soaked with blood and semen, messily put back on. There were bruises on his body, and they weren't only from the blows that Jason had reigned down upon him. They were from rough calloused hands grabbing at his thin arms, and from raw bite marks on his neck, all lacking any actual pressure to break the skin. They were from sharp nails digging into his pale thighs as they climbed into forbidden regions, and from an aching sensation that welled within him as he recalled the way that Oomori tore into his virgin flesh. They were from from kisses that had become love marks, yet they were void of love.

Saliva had dried on his neck and joined the ranks of sweat and grime. Kaneki's tears could only wash what they could touch.

 

That was weeks ago, weeks buried deep in the back of his mind. Or so he had thought. But the smallest, most casual things tended to be the biggest triggers.

 

He couldn't keep a single cup off coffee down, and each drop saw him running to the restroom, and emptying the contents of his stomach as if it were actual human food. There as a growing, gnawing sensation within him, almost like a feral virus that kept him from eating what was healthy for him. It was zapping away his strength, it was making him weak.

Kaneki couldn't be weak! He was a leader now, he had to protect those he loved. If he couldn't eat, he couldn't get strong, his friends would die and it would be his fault.

The guilt was killing him and the guilt had been the main source of his sudden absence. He had to leave the ghouls until he could find out what his problem was. It hurt, to have to depart from Hinami-chan, and Banjou-san and even Tsyukiyama, but his condition had to be kept from them.

_Don't look for me. Something came up, I’ll be back when I can fix it._

_-Kaneki_

That was the last thing he left them with.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He didn't make it two hours without collapsing in some alley way out of pure exhaustion. He lay there for hours, baking under the sun, panting from dehydration and whimpering from the hunger aches that whirled inside of his stomach. However, he could ignore pain for a while.

But than an aching sensation began to dully pulsate within his abdomen. At first, it was bearable, and due to the amount of pain he'd suffered in the past few months, he could shake it off easily.

Then it got slightly irritating, like a mosquito bite that he couldn't itch.

And then it evolved to something more agonizing, like knife twisting the into his abdomen. The pain grew intense, so intense that he had to bite down on his lip to prevent him from screaming himself hoarse. 

His dark finger nails clawed at the fabric above his abdomen as he felt something slice through his organs. His lip was bleeding now, as his teeth had punctured the skin.

He was panting like a dog, and the tears had steadily begun to leak out of the corners of his eyes.

The starvation was doing this to him...but if he ate, he couldn't even hold down his food! What the hell was wrong with him?

The pain dulled his sense of hearing, as he was still squirming on the floor like a worm. When suddenly, a tall body loomed over him. I

“Kaneki...?” The voice came from a figure standing above Kaneki, who now fell to its knees and placed it's hand on the ghoul's arm.

The scent filled Kaneki's nostrils, and while his stomach yearned to have the helpless human dissolving within it's thick acids, Kaneki's heart forbade him from so much as licking the man above him.

“H-Hide...” It was a painful gasp, pleading and full of despair.

“Kaneki! What's wrong?! Are you hurt?” Warm hands began to grope around the ghouls body, and the smell of blood pulsating underneath the pale skin sent Kaneki into a salivating frenzy, “Man, you've been gone for ages! No one knows where you've been!”

The white haired ghoul's one eye shined with a deep crimson, and though Hide had seen the eye transform more than once, it still disturbed him. However, he pushed his fear to the back of his brain, and continued to search around his friend's body for a physical source of injury. He could find none.

The ghoul shook in pain.

“Calm down Kaneki,” his voice dropped and slowed, soothing and calm. The ghoul began to breath steadily as his pale hands wrapped around that of his friends.

“Yeah, just breath like that,” continued Hide, “You need to tell me what's wrong, okay. That way I can go get help.”

The ghoul began to pant as he struggled to speak, “I-it h-hurts,” he gasped as his free hand twisted into the fabric of his clothing just above his abdomen.

Hide blinked, and slowly placed a hand atop of Kaneki's stomach, “Here? Is it hunger? When was the last time you ate?”

“C-can't eat,” Kaneki whispered in pain, “i-I’ll just t-throw it up...”  
Hide sighed as his friend continued to squirm, though not as rapidly as before. The pain was getting to him.

“You probably need to try and keep it down,” Hide removed his hand from Kaneki's grasp, “There's nothing here for you to eat...I don't know how long...” The human looked at himself, and then at his sleeve, “Kaneki, do you-”   
“N-no!” He pushed at Hide with far more strength then he believed he could muster, as the man went flying to the opposite wall.

The sudden adrenaline rush worked to his advantage, and despite the pain, Kaneki stood with the grace of a newborn deer, and made to leave. He looked at Hide, who was dazed from the impact against the wall.

“S-sorry H-Hide, I-I c-can't eat you” he coughed as he turned away, and took his leave.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
A day later, Hide was out of the hospital and into the darker areas of the 20th ward. Kaneki's tiny burst of fear had resulted in a few injuries on Hide's part, including a fractured tail bone. Luckily, the ton load of drugs he'd taken had alleviated the pain for a few hours. That was all he needed to find Kaneki.

He was very aware that he was like a droplet of blood floating happily in an ocean full of sharks, but be it the medicine pumping through his veins or his will to find his ailing friend, he did not know, but he felt little to no fear at the moment.

Occasionally, he ran into a few people who loitered in the dark alleys. He asked them if they'd seen Kaneki, and the name seemed to weigh upon their heads like some sort of warning. They were very quick when answering, and most hadn't seen him.

Kaneki's reputation wasn't helping Hide find him, and when the moon began to shine through the alley ways, the blond figured that he would call of his search and resume it the next day. Besides, the pain from his lower back was starting to return.

But than he heard it, a low gurgling sound, followed by a sort of sorrowful sobbing. Hide heard it from an another alley way while he was standing out in the open, but quickly he migrated to the source of the noise.

As he ventured into the alley way, he could smell the tangy scent of blood, and with the moon hanging high above him, it's reflection shined in the amber liquid. Kaneki gulped as he forced his eyes to focus on the form cloaked in the darkness.

The sobbing was growing louder and more hysterical, the gurgling grew more painful

Hide ran over to the figure before he was even certain that it was Kaneki, careful to dodge the large puddles of crimson liquid beneath him.

The blond fell to his knees before the ghoul, and one single red eye stared into his darker ones. It was tired, void of life of determination. That scared Hide more than the eye itself.

“Come on,” he said, as he slipped his arm around the figure, “Let's go home—to my place I mean—we'll figure out where to go from there.”

Kaneki said nothing, rather, he couldn't say anything. The one red eye rolled to the back of his head, and he slumped forward unto Hide.

Biting back a painful cry as his tailbone screamed in agony. the human dragged his ghoulish counterpart into the open, and with the moon once again above him, he suddenly realized that the blood which stained the concrete belonged to none other than Kaneki. The smell was the same, the consistency was the same.

Where it came from exactly, he didn't know. Perahps Kaneki was suffering from an injury, but he'd tend to him when they got out of the alley ways.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the comments! And I don't think i've replied to all of them, but I'm going to very quickly. As always, I'm my own beta, so there may be mistakes. Feel free to tell me! Once again, I do not own Tokyo Ghoul!

There was an intoxicating smell filling his nostrils. It almost smelled like the juicy hamburgers that his mother used to cook for him, or the kinds that Hide would take him out to eat after an exhausting day in class. However, it was better, much better.

His nose scrunched up as he inhaled the scent, and the tendrils of the potent smell dragged him to the source. Autopilot completely seized his body and guided his nose to something fresh, something living.

Loosened jaws opened as the smell enticed him more, saliva poured from the corners of his mouth as his teeth slowly clamped around his food.

_Swat!_

“No...no..NO! Bad Kaneki!” Hide swatted at his friend's head once again, “Bad! I'm not food!”

Kaneki was awake now—wide awake—and looked at his blond friend, who seemed to take the last few seconds as nothing but a joke, with absolute and utter horror. He pushed himself away from the human as if he was on fire. Had Hide not grabbed his arm, Kaneki would have surely fallen off of the bed.

“Hide I could have killed you!” Cried Kaneki as he some what reluctantly crawled back onto the bed, “I'm not safe to be around, why did you bring me here?!”

The television was on, blaring loudly. Cartoon figures moved around the screen, their voices high and annoying. Hide grabbed the remote, muted it, and threw the remote back onto the bed.

“Listen Kaneki, when I see a friend practically dying, I’m not just gonna let him die,” he turned toward his white haired friend, “Under normal circumstances, I’d just call the hospital or something, but you know, you're not...yeah.”

Kaneki thought of something to say, thought of some sort of retort or response to his friend's blunt honesty, but nothing came to mind.

He sighed.

“You're right...I did look pretty bad back there, huh?” Kaneki looked at his hands and at his dark fingernails, “Thank you for saving me.”

Hide smiled, “No problem. But, um, you're probably really hungry, huh? I've got some coffee, no sugar cubes though.”  
Kaneki shrugged and fell back on the bed, “I haven't been able to keep food in, so it's not like it will make a difference.”

“Are you sick? Can ghouls even get sick?” Questioned Hide as he looked down at his friend, “I mean, like some ghoul flu or something?”

Kaneki closed his eyes, “It feels like something’s eating me from the inside.”

“Well, start small I guess. Hey, I can go to the cafe and pick up some coffee,” Hide smiled a goofy smirk, “It gives me an excuse to see Touka-chan”  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hide's clothes fit Kaneki quite nicely. The warm shower water had done an excellent job at kneading the knots that had accumulated in Kaneki's shoulders due to the sheer amount of stress he'd been facing. The pain in his abdomen hadn't gone away completely, but it had receded just a bit. He wondered when it would start hurting again. Lifting up the large, gray shirt, he rubbed the area softly.

It was then that he sensed it...something living with a small, tiny heart beat just beneath his skin.

Quickly, he removed his hand and pulled the shirt back down.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_For moderate back pain and discomfort. Take as directed._

Kaneki shook the bluebottle and held it to his face. About twenty tiny pills lay within the clear, orange cylinder.

That wasn't the only bottle though, there were several more scattered around Hide's kitchen table, all for some sort of moderate to sever back pain. He wondered what they were for, and when Hide had a chance to go and get them. With that thought came a fair amount of guilt.

When was the last time that he'd seen his friend? When was the last time that they had talked?

Sure, Hide was aware that Kaneki was a ghoul, surprisingly, therefore, he must have also known that he wasn't relatively sane, but that was no excuse for the two to neglect one another. Kaneki only had himself to blame, he supposed.

When he saw the world form the eyes of a ghoul, he'd harbored his own personal distaste for humans. He'd made the stupid decision of clumping Hide in with the bunch. Yet somehow, Hide knew that Kaneki _was_ a ghoul, and he never stopped trying to be his friend.

Kaneki laughed to himself as he surveyed the kitchen. He underestimated Hide's affection for him.

Pulling out a chair, he plopped down on it, and put his head on the small table full of pill containers. At that moment, he promised himself that when Hide came back, and if he was feeling better, they would have a long conversation.

A small pang fluctuated within his abdomen, and Kaneki sighed as he brought a hand to it. His hand hovered silightly over the area, as he was too afraid of feeling something within him again. Clenching his fist tightly, he let his arm swing beside his body.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Touka's back was slightly inclined as she loomed over one of the small tables inside of the cafe, and scrubbed its surface with a wet rag. Huffing, she wiped back a stray strand of hair that had fallen in her face during the cleaning process.

It an incredibly tiring task for a starving ghoul, though she strove to finish cleaning all of the tables quickly, so she could have some time to herself before she studied, and after that, she'd probably go out “eating” with-

Two strong arms wrapped around her waist, and squeezed her as hard as a human possibly could squeeze a ghoul. She eeped, as she was taken by surprise, but the scent she'd grown accustomed to after all these months had put her at ease very quickly.  
“Hide! You idiot, get off, you'll suffocate me!” She squirmed out of his grasp. The older man giggled as he released her.

Touka crossed her arms over her chest and sported an angry look, “Why are you even here!? I tried to call you last night and you didn't answer, then—what the hell is that on your wrist!?”  
She grabbed at the plastic bracelet around his wrist and gasped, “A hospital band, Hide? When the hell did you go to the hospital, and why!?”  
“Calm down Touka-chan! It's nothing important really! Just some back pain, that's all!” He reassured the ghoul below him, “besides, the medication takes most of the pain away!”

“That doesn't change the point!” Hissed the angry ghoul, “What gave you back pain!”

Hide rolled his eyes, “I was trying to get to that point, okay! Now listen, I need you to brew that special kind of coffee that you guys like so much, and make a lot of it.”  
Touka raised an eyebrow, “Why do you need the “special” coffee? You hate coffee either way.”  
It was then that Hide smiled a goofy grin, and his dark eyes lit up for the first time in ages. She hadn't seen this expression on his face since he'd last been with Kaneki, and that had been a very, _very_ long time ago.

 

The solitude which befell the blond upon Kaneki's sudden absence had nearly killed Hide, literally. Touka managed to pull him out of his depression somewhat, but there was only so much she could do when Kaneki's disappearance had torn a chunk out of her own heart as well. They did what they could for one another, and that said a lot for the two of them. Trusting Hide was incredibly hard, yet the same could be said for the human himself. It was Kaneki—rather Kaneki's memory that eventually brought the two together. They shared what they knew about him, and what they liked about him, and how they missed him. Incidentally, Touka had admitted to Kaneki being a ghoul, in which Hide admitted that he'd already known.

 

So Touka found her own eyes lighting up as Hide's own eyes began to sparkle, though she did it for Hide's sake mostly. While his absence with Jason and the Aogiri Tree had been no fault of his own, his negligence to stop by the cafe, or even visit was his fault. Touka never had the heart to tell Hide that she knew where Kaneki was, because if ever asked by the blond, “Why won't he visit me, then?” Touka would never know the answer.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

As he sat on the couch, and absentmindedly changed the channel, he was somewhat concerned that the pain in his stomach had just disappeared. He was indeed getting extremely hungry, though the agony that had been accompanying his hunger pangs in the last weeks ha d gone away completely.

While he was somewhat grateful, he was also scared.

What if the pain came back stronger than before? Sighing, he rubbed a weary hand around his pelvic and abdominal area. Part of him expected the tiny fluttering to move underneath the surface of his skin, an if that happened, he honestly had no idea how he'd feel.

He'd be scared shitless, that was for certain.

Luckily for him, there was no movement. Closing his eyes, he smiled and leaned his head back. Maybe It really just was some sort of terrible disease, and his body had managed to kick it out. He would really love to get himself checked out by a doctor, but unfortunately for him, the only “ghoul” doctor was Kanou. It wasn't worth it.

 

In the midst of his thoughts, the front door opened. Hide stepped in first, with an arm full of cardboard drink holders full of coffee cups. Kaneki's eye turned a dark red as he smelled the delicious odor.

“Hey Kaneki, brought some-oh, here, just,” Hide quickly walked over to the couch, and placed the holder in front of his friend.

Kaneki drained down the contents with ease.

He stopped suddenly as a a smaller figure walked through the threshold. She carried a nervous air about herself, almost as if she was unsure of what she was even doing in the apartment. For a second, Kaneki wasn't entirely sure of who she was, as the long hair had made it hard for him to discern her familiar features.

She too held drink holders in both hands, and all available spaces were full of coffee cups.

Sighing, she turned around towards the couch, and smiled an awkward smile.

“Hey Kaneki!” She tried to sound cheery, even excited, but it all sounded forced.

He had no idea what to say. She looked so different.

“Hey Touka-chan...your hair...it's gotten longer,” He attempted to lighten the strange situation, but unfortunately, Touka made it stranger.

“Your hair...it's gotten whiter?”  
It was Hide's laugh that saved them.

“You guys are so weird sometimes,” he giggled as he sat on the couch beside Kaneki, “You two are so awkward.”  
Touka's face turned shade of scarlet as she placed the drink holders near the door, and closed it with her foot. However, her flushed expression turned into a very observant, very serious one.

She began to sniff the air.

Hide raised an eyebrow, “What's up Touka? Come on, sit by us and watch TV, we can-”  
“What's the smell?” She cut off the blond as she turned her direction towards the couch, “I've smelled it somewhere before.”

“Um...” Hide's lips formed a tight line as the female ghoul walked over towards the two, and began to sniff the area as if the smell offended her nose.

Kaneki even looked slightly appalled.

“Do smell anything Kaneki?” Asked Hide, as Touka continued to vigorously sniff the area around them.

Kaneki shook his head sadly, “I don't have a normal sense of smell, at least not like gh-”  
“Jason” The sudden mention of the name garnered a stream of painful memories within Kaneki, and the very name caused the heartbeat within his abdominal area to ignite quickly.

He jumped slightly, as the thing within him began to make its presence known very quickly.

“Kaneki, are you okay?” Hide asked, “You're shaking.”  
“I smell Jason,” Touka hissed, and suddenly, Hide realized that her irises had turned a shade of crimson, “And it's coming from you, Kaneki.”

Kaneki hadn't even realized that he was shaking. Hide grabbed at his arm, and tried to jerk him out of his shock, but the creature's heartbeat within him was making it incredibly hard for him to do so.

“T-Touka...I think I'm getting sick,” he said slowly, in the midst of Hide's bantering, “There's this thing inside of me...”  
Touka paled slightly, and her own stiff hand reached down to touch the area that Kaneki's hand hovered above.

She closed her eyes and smelled. Seconds later, they were open.

“Shit” Touka said bluntly, as she pressed her hand into the fabric of Kaneki's clothing, “You're not sick.”  
Kaneki looked somewhat relieved at her revelation, but the way the she continued to study him did nothing to ease his suspicion.

“Then what is it?” He gulped as he asked the question, because since illness was out of the way, he had no idea what it could be.

Touka sighe as she removed her hand, closed her eyes and shook her head.

“You're pregnant, and it's Jason's,” she diagnosed, “I'm positive.”

“H-how?” Was all the petrified ghoul could manage.  


“Riiiiing....riiiiiing...riiiiing.” The phone buzzed through the house, yet not one soul moved to get it. It continued to ring until it went straight to voice mail.

“Hey Hide! It's Seidou...you wanna go out or something, all the “important” people are going out drinking, and well, I don't....you understand. I hate being compared to all of them, I know I suck! Okay, anyway, i'll just go over to your house, that sounds cool, right? I'll be there in thirty minutes.”  
  
The phone clicked off, and Touka suddenly cast an ugly look at Hide. “I thought I told you to leave the CCG alone! I thought you quit!”

“I did!” Hide shouted in his defense, “I did!”

“Then why is that wimpy ghoul investigator calling you still?” She demanded.

“Technically, you've gotta be “good” to be a ghoul investigator, which he's not-”  


Kaneki fell to the ground in the middle of their argument.

“Kaneki!” The two shouted in unison, as the made to help their friend. His eyes had glistened over slightly with moister, and before he knew it, tears were leaking from the corner of his eyes.

“Why me?” He whispered at first, clutching the small area around his stomach, “I didn't ask for any of this!”

Touka pushed Hide back for his own safety, as she was perfectly aware of how dangerous Kaneki could get when he was unstable.

“Come on Kaneki, let's get you to the bedroom,” And the white haired ghoul allowed Touka to take him. He was limp, and unmoving.

Hide wasn't entirely sure what to do, he didn't even know if Kaneki would appreciated his presence. Nevertheless, he followed Touka into the room.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you loved it. This chapter didn't explain much, but trust me, there will be more in the next chapter. I love Seido, so that's why he's in here, and since I love Arima, he'll probably be in here too :/ As a bad guy though :( . Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, have a wonderful week, and God bless!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Hey there! Thanks for all the faves and the comments, i'm glad you like the story. I' love to give a special thanks to black thorn angel for sharing her ideas with me! We have a lot of the same ones!  
> And btw, I don't mind if you share my story anywhere! Follow me on tumblr (it's just lidsworth, btw), i've posted some of my stuff on there, don't be afraid to share it! Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, it's got a lot of mental stuff, self doubt, psychological, etc. It get's a little gorey, so hang tight.   
> As always, i'm my own beta, so if anything's amiss please tell me!  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul!

 

The ghoul suddenly felt violated, incredibly violated. When brought to attention, he could certainly feel the tiny leech within in him absorbing _his_ nutrients, and _his_ energy. He lay on Hide's bed, his head on his arm, and his other hand daring to touch the flat area of skin. Below it, lay the tiny life budding inside of him. 

He was at a crossroads. Unsure of whether to treat the creature within him as his own, or as an intruder implanted within him by Jason.

Jason...Jason was the father. That insidious, sadistic bastard was the father.

Kaneki had killed him, or “half-killed” him in hopes that he'd rid himself of the larger man's grasp. But Jason's death warranted all sorts of sickening voices within Kaneki's head, all sorts of unchecked actions and unpredictable instability.

They'd disturbed him greatly when they first began to echo within the depths of his mind, but they'd attributed to his strength, they'd helped him protect what was precious to them.

 

This...this parasite could do no such thing. But it was _his_ baby, his innocent baby! Jason was just half of it! He was the other half! But...but he didn't want it! He didn't deserve the pain.

He didn't...

In the midst of his mixed thoughts, his Kagune had torn out of his back, it's sharpening tips crawling towards his stomach.

He needed to rip the baby out of him. It was only a hindrance.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seidou always thought of Touka as Hide's incredibly shy girlfriend. She never spoke when out of Hide's presence, and if anything, avoided straying from Hide's presence all together. It seemed like they both brought each other up, like they depended on one another happiness.

They were a perfect match. He was almost jealous of them, because it had been so easy for them to fall for one another despite their obvious differences. He wished he had the same sort of luck. Unfortunately for him, he was chasing someone way out of his league.

 

The moment Hide opened the door for Seidou, Touka was clinging on to the blond's back, glaring daggers at the brunette ghoul investigator.

Seidou tugged at his tie-less collar, and smiled at the girl. She averted her gaze.

Stress at work had really taken a toll on him. He'd lost his jacket somewhere in his office, his tie had been disregarded, and he was most certain that he'd forgotten his belt at home.

“Looks like someone really let lose today,” Hide started, as he looked at the older man's clothing, “They're no longer enforcing dress-code at HQ?”   
Seidou sighed, “It makes it harder to move-Oh, hey Touka-chan,” he greeted the younger girl as he ruffled her hair. Touka narrowed her eyes at the brunette, and physically removed his hand from atop of her head as he attempted pat her locks.

 

As they allowed him in, Seidou noticed that they both held an air of nervousness about them. As if something was being hidden from him. Unsure of what it was, Seidou allowed Hide to lead him into the living room. He sat down and tried to think of something else.

Focusing on their suspicion only dampened his attitude more than it already had been, as his day at work had been terrible. From the moment he walked in to the CCG building, to the moment he walked out through the sensors, a thick cloud had permanently attached itself atop of his head.

“You okay man? You look out of it,” Hide began, as he retrieved a drink from the kitchen, “Still thinking about quitting?”

Seidou buried his head in his hands, and in a temporary state of confusion, Hide placed the cup atop of the table surface, “What's up?”   
Even Touka, who stood away from the couch, tilted her head in curiosity.

“It's just...ugh, I tried to ask _him_ out,” Seidou blurted as he ran his hands through his messy hair.

Hide's eyes opened wide, and he shook his head in disbelief, “You didn't...not _him_ , right?”

A creepy smile made it's way on the brunettes face, “Of course it's him!” He looked at the blond, and Hide swore that he could see a small glisten of tears in the brunette's eyes, “He probably thought I was some sort of idiot! He's probably not even gay!”

Hide sighed and shook his head harder, “You set your standards too high. I mean, Arima Kishou? Seriously man? Everyone has a crush on him, people just don't act on it. It's like a celebratory or something, we all love them, but no one just goes and asks them out on dates!”   
Seidou sighed, “Well everyone knows now! They won't let me live it down! I should just quit the CCG, start a new life, change my name, and maybe even my hair color. Blond looks good on you, but you're not even full Japanese I don't think, so it'll look tacky on me!”

In the midst of his suffering, Touka had giggled softly at his dismay.

“She has a cute laugh,” Seidou sighed as he leaned his head back on the couch, “I wish I could laugh like that..”   
Touka actually covered her mouth this time, and her face shined a bright shade of scarlet. Seidou smiled, “Don't be embarrassed, it's funny...I'm just not good enough for him, not for anyone.”

There was a small silence, and for a while, no one was sure of what to do. Hide sighed, and put a hand on his shoulder.   
“You'll find yours, buddy. I promise.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” and with that, Seidou loomed forward, and extended and arm towards the table. Trembling digits wrapped around the slightly damp glass on the wooden surface, and with a sigh, he brought the cool liquid to his lips. Tilting the glass upwards slightly, he imagined the liquid washing away at his troubles and his agony that he'd burdened throughout the day.

His job...his infatuation with Arima....his courage-or lack of, he just wanted it all to disappear. He wanted to disappear.

Yet the brunette was trapped in a net of expectations. Expectations from his superiors to slay ghouls, and if not possible, to give his life in the process. Expectations from his mother to come home every other weekend even if it meant losing an arm and a leg. Expectations from his sister to just die, and leave her alone. Expectations from Armia to not exist...

He figured that maybe a visit to a therapist in the near future would benefit him somewhat.

The water drained down his throat, and into his stomach. He felt trapped within his own world, not even the sounds around him could disturb his concentration. But the internal silence was short lived

Through the walls, a terrible scream ripped through the air.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
Why he was screaming, why he was laying in a pool of his own warm blood, he hadn't a clue. With each blood curdling note he bellowed, his kagune beat the walls like tree branches caught in a hurricane. His arms were red and irritated as hot tendrils of crimson liquid poured out of them.

There were scars on his stomach, though not as deep as his other side would have wanted them to be. Yet the blood they spilled still engulfed the sheets like hot fire.

Words bounced off of the walls as his kagune came to a sudden halt, and slowly, they crept back into his pale skin.

The words continued to echo around the room, soft words.

“I'm sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry...”   
Who was speaking, who on earth was speaking? And why was there a pressure around his stomach, Why did it feel like fingers were embedding themselves into the skin.

Why were there tears pouring down his cheeks?   
Why was he saying sorry?   
Reality chose that exact time to return his stranded psyche back to the situation at hand.

His fingers, he was fighting his own fingers. One hand tore into his stomach, while the other grabbed around the wrist, fighting with all of its might to prevent the black nails from touching the defenseless fetu-baby inside of him.

 

“H-Hide...” it began as a whisper, a strangled whisper to summon his savior, his one beacon of light. Hide could pull him through this, he knew he could, he'd make him see reason. He was shaking now, as both of his hands fell to the blood cushions, as he sat there with crimson covering his body.

He was crying, crying harder than he'd cried in months.

“Hide!” He screamed louder, balling his fist into the sheets as he did so. Tears streamed own his cheeks, and the shaking grew with each sniffle.

He could hear footstep running towards the door, and his breathing grew faster as the feeling of relief grew within his body.   
The door flew open, and in the doorway, stood the blond.

He flipped on the light switch with some hesitation, and gulped as he surveyed the wreckage around the room.

However, the mess on the bed concerned him more than any of the torn walls did. “Kaneki...”quietly, the human walked towards the bloody ghoul, and with each step he made, Kaneki's heart beat faster. He looked hopeful, somewhat hopeful.

  
Hide surveyed the blood on the mattress, and the scars on Kaneki's arms and stomach. Judging by the marks on the wall, the blond assumed that an object long and hard enough to dent the walls had been deployed minutes ago. The only sensible answer would be his kagune.

 _That's what the loud noise had been earlier_ , Hide thought to himself.

Hesitantly, he walked towards the bed. With each step, a tiny “squish” could be heard as his feet sunk into puddles of thick blood. Kaneki's dazed red eye stared intently at the blond, and Hide gulped out of a slight bout of uncertainty.

“What have you done to yourself man?” He reached out towards the white haired creature, and wrapped an arm around Kaneki's form. The ghoul looked at him, his mix-matched gaze pleading and afraid.

Closing his eyes, he sighed and crawled onto the bed. He tried to ignore the squeamish feeling that bubbled within his stomach as the blood absorbed into his clothing, and brushed up against his skin.

He held Kaneki away from him for a short moment, just so that the could survey the ghoul's injuries. The stomach wound was deeper than he previously believed it was, though it slowly began to heal over with new layers of fresh skin.

He wondered if Kaneki was trying to rip the baby out. By the blood crusted on his fingers, Hide assumed that he did.

“Don't hurt yourself like this,” breathed Hide, as he pulled the ghoul into a hug, “okay? We'll help you get through this.”

There was an eerie silence as the ghoul nuzzled his friend's shoulder. He was drowning in Hide's scent.

“I almost killed it,” Kaneki whispered, quite ashamed, “I was angry with the baby...it didn't do anything. I didn't mean to!”  
Hide tilted his head at Kaneki's new found personality. The tone was playful and childish, though it bore it's own inkling of understanding about it. Kaneki seemed younger.

“We'll work around it,” he replied silently, and behind him, he could hear footsteps stop quickly by the door.

“But we'll have to get some clean sheets,” Hide grunted as he looked over Kaneki's shoulder. His back pain was coming back, “And some paint for the walls.”

Though they needed much more then paint. They needed help, help Hide couldn't provide with just he and Touka alone. He needed other ghouls, or someone well educated in the science of ghouls.

That left the CCG or Kanou. He'd ask Touka if she knew anyone who had any knowledge of ghoul pregnancies, but he'd look on his own as well. If it meant saving Kaneki's life, he had no qualms with embedding himself in an important organization one last time.

“Come on off the bed,” Hide instructed, as he pulled the white haired ghoul off of the bed, “We'll put you in the other room, okay?”

Kaneki didn't respond with words, he just followed. Occasionally, he'd trip over his feet, or lose his balance, but he kept up the best he could.

Seidou and Touka stood by one another in the door way, and quickly, they moved as Hide brought Kaneki through the threshold.

Seidou looked at the vacant gaze that the half-ghoul held in his eyes, and a single red iris imprinted its image into Seidou's mind.

He looked so sad. The brunette actually felt bad for him.

But he was a ghoul...and Seidou was a ghoul investigator.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Please, don't tell anyone,” Hide begged Seidou, who presently sat on the couch, and held the cool cup between his hands.

Seidou looked at the water, and his watery reflection looked back at him. He was a ghoul investigator, wasn't he? Should he not report Kaneki? And what of Touka, was she, who tended to Kaenki in the spare room, a ghoul as well? Was Hide a ghoul?

“Why shouldn't I?” He hated the way that the question rolled off of his tongue, he hated how unreal and artificial it made him sound. Like...it made him feel like an actual ghoul investigator, one who sought death with no justice, nor understanding. He reminded himself of his peers

He didn't like it.

“Because you're my friend,” Hide offered feebly, “and I know...I know you'll do what's right.”

Seidou let those words sit on his mind...he let them strum his emotions like the metal strings of an acoustic guitar. The words vibrated throughout his entire being, and it's sweet sound bounced off of the corners of his psyche.

_Because you're my friend..._ Did Seidou actually have real friends, up until now, did he have someone to call an actual friend? Was there anyone who wasn't annoyed of him? Anyone who didn't use him, or push their work load on him...

_Because you're my friend_ ,  _and I know...I know you'll do what's right..._

Truly, what was right in this world? Ghoul investigators killed ghouls, innocent or guilty. Ghouls killed people, innocent or guilty. People killed cows, innocent or guilty...it was just a very unfortunate world composed of very unfortunate people who'd been forced to make problematic decisions.

No one wanted to take the time to weigh out the possibilities.

“Yeah...I'll keep it to myself,” Seidou responded, somewhat distant. Hide smiled, and patted him on the shoulder, “Good, then I'll need some files on Dr. Kanou.”   
Seidou opened his eyes wide, “Y-You mean the CCG's awol Kanou?”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Arima Kishou reminded himself that the only positive thing that came out of Seidou's love confession for him was a possible name to add on his usually blank testament. Many must have believed he was an arrogant bastard for turning in a blank testament, but in all honesty, he had no one to address it to.

Out of his many admirers, Seidou had far surpassed that of the rest, and Arima Kishou dared to think that they could be more than comrades.

Maybe even friends...

Adjusting his glasses, he signed his-Marude's signature on the last document of about two hundred that Marude had slammed on he and Take's desk.

“Are you finished Take?” Arima called to his partner, who too, was sighing off signatures.

Take sighed, “For now, yes. However, it would be best if we left. Marude may come and give us more of his papers to fill out.”

Arima looked at the large stack of papers, and agreed with his inferior partner, “I believe you're right. Oh, and Take, did you see where Seidou ran off to?”   
The silent partner stood up and tilted his head, “The one who tried to speak to you?”   
Arima closed his eyes and nodded, “Yes, that one.”

Take shook his head, “He left earlier, I don't know where to though.”

Arima felt like speaking to him. He didn't know why, but the thought was bugging his conscience. He rejected the younger man as politely as possible, which meant doing so with no emotion whatsoever, save for a rather forced smile.

Did he perhaps offend Seidou? Arima was no good with social skills, and neither was Take, so it didn't help to even entertain the subject with him. Fura was, but they hardly had time to see one another.

If he offended him, he would like to apologize.

“Amon is always around him,” came Take, “I would ask him about Seidou's whereabouts.”

Arima smiled, “Thank you Take, as always. I'll see you later.”

 

He wished Amon wasn't so nervous around him. He even wished he was slightly more animated, like Suzuya...but alas, Arima was his reputation, the CCG's reaper. A product of experimentation. And that's really all he was. At least Fura-kun treated him like he was a person.

He would've liked to be something more, but life treated him differently than it treated those around him. Leaving the CCG wasn't an option, it was all he knew and had. Without the CCG, Arima would be nothing.

He was nothing.

  
Hideyoshi Nagachika...that was the intern who'd joined the CCG and quit in such a short amount of time. Arima wondered what Seidou was doing hanging around such a shady character. Was he planning to quit as well? Arima certainly hoped not, he still needed to apologize. Maybe he could go to the house? But it would be quite rude to barge in...

But it would only be for two second.

Arima sighed and walked forward on the semi-crowded street.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to go into depth with some of the characters from Tg, which is why this chapter was so descriptive, especially on Kaneki, Seidou and Arima's part.   
> I've always felt bad for Seidou, and I feel as if he's super under appreciated. So I wanted to play on his thought process. Sorry if he's like OOC.   
> As for Arima, there's a lot more to him in this story, I'm just dropping hints. Towards the last chapters, there'll be a huge shock involving him. Also, I think Seidou going after someone like Arima would be kind of cute, even though he'd get turned down.   
> Hide and Kaneki are friends. Sorry if they feel like a romantic couple, but I ship their bromance 95.9% of the times. Though I secretly ship Hide and Touka.   
> Telll me how you felt about this chapter, and I'll try and update ASAP! Have a wonderful weekend, and God bless!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Short chapter coming! I promised it would be up today, so i'm just running it with what i've got!

Kaneki slept for a long while, after Touka had given him a little to eat. In all honesty, Hide didn't blame him. He passed out before he could even clean himself up, so the tedious job of stripping him of his torn clothing, and throwing him into the tub was left up to Hide.

 

The blond couldn't trust the ghoul with Seidou, and Touka had no business seeing a naked man.

 

The water turned a murky shade of red, as Hide pulled his friend into its murky depths. Sitting on a stool, beside the tub, he cleaned up him with flowery smelling soap, that stuck in his hair, and lifted the dirt from his skin. The sleeping ghoul leaned against the wall, though slowly, his wet body slipped deeper and deeper into the water. Hide just pulled him up, so he wouldn't fall in.

 

Hide was somewhat amused by his friend's transformation. Six months produced a well sculpted individual, who shined with pale white air, and even paler skin. His nails had undergone a change as well, or at least the nails that Hide could see. He supposed that he'd find out what color his toe-nails were after he dried him off.

 

But cleaning the ghoul was his number one priority.

 

Letting the towel rest on the ledge of the tub, Hide sunk his hand into to water until he reached Kaneki's thigh. Carefully, he lifted his leg up, grabbing the soapy towel on the ledge with his freehand, and scrubbing the inside of Kaneki's thigh with the flowery rag.

 

The ghoul showed no signs of discomfort, so Hide continued.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Touka was mildly surprised by Kaneki's sudden spell of sleep, after the small bit of meat she rushed to give him. It certainly helped heal the gaping wound in his stomach, though it didn't do so much for the wreckage that his episode had left Hide's room in.

 

She was surprised that Kaneki hadn't taken the entire place down.

 

He was getting worse. His instability was like a poison, thick in the air. Touka feared leaving Hide alone, in that apartment with him, because for the first time in forever, she didn't trust Kaneki.

 

Though Hide had sent her away to get whatever information from the others ghoul's that she could regarding pregnancy. She could think of a select few who were actually enriched with bountiful knowledge about their kind. Yomo and the Manager were the first two to pop into her head, Mr. Uta was third.

 

She wondered what on earth she'd say. “Idiot Kaneki got himself knocked up,” would be the preferred thing to say, though given the situation, she supposed it would be highly inappropriate to introduce the problem like that.

 

Sighing, she walked to the first place on her list.

 

Anteiku.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Kaneki was looking at him before Hide even processed it. He watched the way the blond scrubbed his legs, felt the warmth of the towel dip in between his toes, and even wiped over the flat area on his abdomen. Hide did so with great skill, and great care. He treated Kaneki as if he were some sort of fragile glass doll. 

 

Through half-lidded eyes, the ghoul watched. 

 

He hated being so useless and motionless, but he felt so drained. Though he was “awake”, he wasn't even sure if he was fully conscience. Hide's movements were hypnotizing him, putting him to sleep all over again. 

 

It almost made him forget about the baby, forget about the fact that he tried to kill it just hours ago. It made him feel worthy for once. 

 

God, he felt like a monster.  _You are a monster._

 

“Whoa! You're awake?!” The blond jumped suddenly, at the sight of the ghoul's clouded eyes, “I though you were sleeping buddy!”

 

The ghoul said nothing, only slowly closed his eyes, and slid deeper in to the warm water. He didn't deserve Hide's smile, he didn't deserve his warmth.

 

“Hey! You may not be human, but you sure aren't a fish,” Hide moved quickly, and snaked his hands underneath Kaneki's arms, and slowly, lifted the ghoul, “We wouldn't want you breathing in the water.”

 

After a long while of scrubbing and splashing, Hide was lugging an unstable ghoul out of the tub, throwing a towel around his naked form, and guiding him to the new bedroom. Kaneki nearly brought both he and Hide crashing down, as he was a lot heavier than he thought he was.

 

Though with extreme difficulty, the blond had managed to drag him to the bed, and place him on the soft surface. Then Hide looked through the drawers, in attempt to find anything that Kaneki would like. There was really nothing in them, as he hardly had any guest come and stay in his room. He hadn'd restocked in months.

 

Though his friend wasn't at all demanding, so any pair of comfortable sweats would do.

 

The ghoul twisted himself into the towel, pulling the softness against him, as he moved a top of the bed. Kaneki wanted to sleep again. Perhaps in doing so, he could forget all that happened.   
  
“Don't get comfortable yet, you've still gotta put your clothes on,” Hide commented, as he walked towards the bed, with a pair of blue sweats and underwear in his arms, “Now sit up. I know you're awake, so there's no use in pretending you're not.”

 

Kaneki grunted, as his senses were slowly returning to him, though the grogginess never shook off.

  
“...mmm...Hi.de..” began the ghoul, as he attempted to sit himself up. His arms were incredibly wobbly, thus the attempt was somewhat sorry. Hide sighed, though chuckled softly,

 

“I've got you, man” He giggled, as he placed the pair of pants on the bed, and reached for the shirt, “Hands up.”   
  


Kaneki did as he was told, though continued to mumble, “Is..the baby...is it alright?”   
  


Hide smiled sadly, as he helped his friend into his shirt, “Yeah, it's alright, okay, one leg please.”   
  


However, Kaneki grabbed for the underwear himself, “Thank you, b..but I think I can dress myself.” Hide stepped back, somewhat surprised by Kaneki' sudden burst of energy. “Oh, well, I can step out-”

  
“No, it's okay,” Kaneki said, suddenly gaining a better grip of his words, “...and thank you, I mean it.”

 

Hide was quite taken aback by Kaneki's serious tone, “I know you mean it, man.”

Kaneki closed his eyes and sighed, “No, no you don't.”   
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to write a little bit of interactin between Hide and Kaneki, which is why the chapter isn't that long. I hope you enjoyed it, and as usual, sorry for the long wait. Things'll kick up in the next chapter, so be ready! As always, God bless, and Have a very Merry Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> How many of you read the manga and how many watch the anime? Which one do you like better (though they're technically the same). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, I'm sorry if it started out slow, I just want to see how you guys feel about it. Things will start to pick up very quickly next chap, so if this was too slow for you, please keep on! Tell me what you think, and sorry if Hide was a little OOC. As usual, have a wonderful week and God bless!


End file.
